gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
