who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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