but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
