i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
