Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
