if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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