I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
