WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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