U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
