He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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