So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
