If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
