Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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