I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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