why didn't you poke me back
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I checked into jail on foursquare
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
