you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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