shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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