Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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