were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
