Where did you get a picture of my penis
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
