If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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