I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
