Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
