I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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