Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
