So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
