I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I am in a vortex of obligation.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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