after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
