I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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