it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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