How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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