My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
