I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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