I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
