He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Still dying that you shit outside
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
