Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
