How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
