there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
