I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
