you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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