we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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