we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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