I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
