Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
There r osticjed everywhere
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
