Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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