you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
