I can text with my tongue
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Randomize
