just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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