How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
