3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
