if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
