So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
